This conversation is not the first one I have had with a new foster or adoptive mom. When a foster child enters her new home, to use the old adage, “It can upset the apple cart.” Schedules are different, rules have changed, and most importantly, relationships have also changed. Parents’ time is now spread among more children, some with more demanding needs. 

I asked Elisha that morning, “Do you think that Alise sees Sara as getting attention for those behaviors? Maybe she feels she is invisible?” 

Concerns About The Impact of Foster Care on Children

In part one of “The Impact of Foster Care on Children,” we discussed the following concerns:

• Concern One: The bio/permanent child is traumatized by the foster child’s reenactment of his abuse story in play. 
  
• Concern Two: Bio/permanent children are troubled by the grief, sadness, and anger they see their parents experiencing when the family struggles.
  
• Concern Three:   Children may feel invisible to their parents after a foster or adopted child arrives.
  
• Concern Four: Birth/permanent kids may believe their opinions don’t matter, or they may trivialize their own struggles or needs.

We are going to look at four more concerns in this second article.

A Continuing Look At The Impact of Foster Care on Children

Concern Five: A Child’s Birth Order in the Family May Change.

A biological child’s birth order may change with the arrival of a foster child. For example, the youngest may become the oldest, and the oldest may become the middle child. Understanding the long-term implications of placing an adopted or foster child ahead of the oldest child in the family is an essential preventive. 

The Carters had just received a call about needing a placement for a ten-year-old boy. Two factors came to mind:

• First, they were a foster-to-adopt family.
• Two, their biological son was nine.

If they moved forward on this foster placement, it could lead to an adoption. As much as they wanted to proceed, they acknowledged the potential consequences. 

Jaden, their son, would be profoundly replaced as the oldest in the family, and they knew how he valued that position. Much research indicates that one reason for placement disruption is caused by placing a foster/adopted child ahead of the bio child in the family. A 2013 study by Louise Sutton revealed that most bio children prefer foster siblings the same age or younger than them.[i] I am not saying avoiding this concern is necessary, but considering it is essential.

Strategy: 

1.    Examine the potential long-term consequences to the older child in the family. They may be excited at first but, over time, jealousy and anger about being replaced as the oldest child may creep into their heart and damage relationships.

2.    If this has already occurred, continue to process the thoughts and feelings of each child. What are they thinking and feeling about what is happening in the family? What do they need to feel confident about who they are in the family?

Concern Six: Birth Children May Struggle With Embarrassment

Birth children may struggle with embarrassment if the new child exhibits behavioral issues in public, especially if in the same school together.

Kevin, 14, rushed in the door from the bus, threw his books on the couch, and went to his room. Ricky, his 12-year-old foster brother, was at a visit with his biological parents, so he wasn’t at home at that time. Elizabeth, his mom, got up from her work desk and said, “Hold on, buddy, something is happening. What is it?”

“I can’t do this,” Kevin shouted to his mom as she entered his room. “Ricky threw a fit in the lunch room like a three-year-old would. You have told me why this happens, and I understand, but no one else does. Everyone at my table laughed at him, ‘Look at your brother!’ Mom, I know why he does what he does, but I can’t take my friends laughing at him and saying he is my brother.”  

Many times, when challenging things happen in public, as parents, we aren’t there to step in and our children are left alone to manage what is happening.

Strategy: 

Process your child’s feelings about the event. 

1. Just listen. Refrain from correcting or minimizing the situation.
2. Equip them with strong statements to reply, not in anger, but in confidence. For example, “Yes, I am Ricky’s foster brother. He acts like that when there is too much noise. It is hard for him to feel calm.” 
3. Practice, practice, practice. For a youngster to feel confident handling these difficult situations, they must practice the skill at home. Come up with different scenarios and let your children respond.

Concern Seven: Children May Need Help Answering Questions

Children in the home may have difficulty explaining to friends and schoolmates who this new child is and warding off intrusive questions.

•            “Hey, I saw that you have a new foster sister. Tell me all about her?”
•            “Why did your new adopted brother’s parents get rid of him?”
•            “Your new sister acts weird sometimes. What’s wrong with her?”

We may not think about the intrusive questions kids at home can get asked about the newest child in the family. It may happen in the neighborhood, on the school bus, or at the playground. It is not a question of if this will happen but when.

Strategy: 

1. Share this concern with all the children in the family, even before foster parenting begins. Let them know this will happen.

2. Give them possible responses and practice them at home.[ii] Here is an example: Imagine your child is on the playground, and another youngster approaches him. 

Child on the playground: “Why did your foster brother’s parents get rid of him?”
Your child’s response: “That information is private. We only talk about that at home.”

3. If the foster child is old enough, include them in this discussion. Ask your foster or adopted child how they would like your family to answer those hard questions.

4. Remember to check in with all the children to see if anything like this has happened and if it is a type of bullying.

Concern Eight: Changes in Behavior Management or Rules

The family may implement new behavior management techniques and/or change house rules or rituals.

It felt like it all happened overnight. The house rules and discipline for everyone had changed, and Cassie, 10, was confused. She noticed her parents disciplining the new foster kids differently than what it seemed they did her. They didn’t get in trouble. Her parents seemed to talk to them, sit with them, and then move on. They were never sent to their rooms for their behavior or outbursts. Gradually, she also noticed that the way of disciplining her changed, too. What was going on in their home? Cassie needed some clarification.  

In training, foster parents can learn new ways to manage the behavior of children who come to them with a traumatic past. Connected parenting is a new way to look at their style of managing their children’s behaviors. It is not how they have managed their bio children, at least up to that point. Changing their parenting style and even changing house rules can confuse the youngsters living there.

Strategy:

1. Encourage questions and tell them what to expect. You won’t be a perfect parent, but you are learning ways to have better relationships with everyone in the family.

2. If house rules are changing, plan to transition to those new rules, even if the rules seem minimal.

Great News

We have discussed many concerns, but I wanted to end this discussion with great news.

Our daughter, Kristy, who is now 47, grew up as the only biological child in our foster/adoptive family. Over the seven years we fostered, numerous children moved in and out. Of course, we wondered about the effect on her, but something developed in her that is a joy for us– a deep heart of compassion for anyone from a hard place. I found research several years ago about how foster care affected biological children. It was fascinating to me. That research indicated the following:

As adults, the biological children

• tended to choose humanitarian professions.
• learned to advocate for those in need.
• tolerated differences.
• developed a lifetime of compassionate living

There are concerns to manage when dealing with the impact of foster care on children, but there are great rewards to experience as well.

[i] https://scholarworks.bgsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1270&context=honorsprojects

[ii] Wise-Up Powerbook by Deborah Riley is an excellent resource.

The post The Impact of Foster Care on Children: A Deeper Perspective (Part Two) appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Navigating an adoptive mother’s heart is an emotional journey. Regardless of whether the foster-to-adopt child has contact with their birth family, the mother’s heart will be emotional. When a woman gives her heart to a child in foster care, generally, she keeps a protective layer that prevents her from fully bonding with the child because she knows the child could return to their birth family at any time. She is what I call caregiver bonded, which means that as a caregiver, she cares for and supports the child but has not formed that heart attachment yet.

The Attachment Transition

As the child transitions to being adopted, a mother takes ownership of the child’s care. At this point, the woman opens up her heart and soul to accept the child as one of her own. She starts to build a strong parental bond and works to help the child begin to attach to her as a parent. This is where the emotional connection deepens, and she moves from caregiver status to knowing, “I’m now the parent of this child.” She now bonds with the child in a mother-to-child relationship.

Living as a mother to an adopted child is an amazing journey with many emotional rewards. However, there is often a lingering fear, wondering, “What if their birth family shows up and I lose my child?” Many moms have shared experiences of severe anxiety symptoms during times when they knew the birth family would reach out, such as birthdays and holidays. They all experienced a sense of dread that prevented them from enjoying the event with their child.

This fear is a normal one. It shows the mothers are securely bonded to their child. It makes me think of the mama bear who always wants to protect her cubs. After all, there was a reason this child needed to be adopted. A mother’s natural instinct is to protect her children from anything they perceive may hurt them. Interactions with a child’s birth family can potentially have an unknown outcome. Sometimes it goes smoothly, and sometimes it takes a bit to recover.

Navigating an Adoptive Mother's Heart

Whether you have an open adoption and see the birth family frequently or have a closed adoption and the child chooses to seek out their birth mother, the adoptive mom will experience various emotions. These emotions can range from anger to fear to sadness and loss. Sometimes, a woman’s parental identity and self-confidence can feel shaken. It can be hard when it means split holidays and shared “thank you’s” at graduation. Here are some ways to navigate the emotions of a mama’s heart.

You Are Safe

Remember, you are the safe adoptive mom. No one can fill that role for your child except you. You are the legal parent. The adoptive mom provides a safe environment for her child to reach adulthood.

Accept Your Feelings

Accept all your feelings. Don’t try to tell yourself not to “feel that way.” Your thoughts and feelings are yours, and there is a reason you have them. Give yourself permission to process those emotions appropriately and safely away from the child.

Accept the Different Roles

Work to accept the permanency of positional mother roles. Birth moms will always hold the position of being birth moms. Adoptive moms will always have the status of legal moms. I think where adoptive moms get hung up here is that it may feel like their “mother” role could be taken away from them at any time by the court or birth family. It’s important to use present tense reminders of the truth about your parenting role to push away the anxiety and fears about this. For example: “I choose to believe today I have legal custody to be this child’s parent.” Or, “I’m the safe parent, and my child knows I love them.”

Understanding Your Child's Interest In Their Birth Family

Notice that your child’s excitement and interest in spending time with their birth family has nothing to do with you as the adoptive mother. Adoptive moms can often feel their adult child pulling away from them to spend time with their birth family. It may feel uncaring and like the child is replacing the adoptive mom’s role with their newly found birth family. This is rarely the case. When talking to people who have been adopted, they share how attached and safe they feel with their adoptive mothers. The safety and security of the adoptive mother give the child the strength to face their birth family.

When a child gets excited about their birth family, it’s generally to figure out their own identity and answer the question, “Where did I come from?” A connection to the birth mom can provide identity grounding for a person who has been adopted. That connection does not take away from the relationship and safety that the adoptive mom provides. The two are completely different roles for a person who has been adopted. At first, when a child finds their birth mom, the time focus between families may be unbalanced. As the newness wears off, the child generally returns to including time with their adoptive mom.

Empty Nest Grief

Empty nest grief is more severe for mothers who have adopted. As a child reaches adulthood, there are lots of transitions and emotions. Your child may or may not be grateful for all the hard work you have done to parent them and keep them safe. Many of the moms I have worked with talk about having fear and sadness that their child won’t return and choose a relationship with them. This is always hard because it is unknown. Some kids will continue to choose relationships with adoptive parents, and some will not.

As an adoptive mother, you have given this child everything you have these past 18 years. You did so by accepting this child into your family for life. Many grief emotions occur when a child splits time between their adoptive and birth families. I encourage moms at this stage to reach out to a counselor specializing in adoptions who can help process the grief and navigate choosing a relationship with their child. You are not alone. A child’s choice to have a relationship or not does not change the identity role of the adoptive parent.

Find Support

Surround yourself with people who can support you. An adoption support group or connecting with other adoptive moms who can listen and offer supportive understanding is helpful. Have specific people you let into your world and share your hurt with.

Being an Adoptive Mother Is An Important Role

Women who adopt are special gifts from heaven. The job is one that goes unnoticed and underappreciated and sometimes ends without having a relationship with your child when they become adults. You are valuable and irreplaceable. It is unfair to give everything you have to a child and not get the reward of a long-term family relationship. Feel the emotions, choose relationships, and get support when needed. Remember, you saved a child who now lives and can make their own decisions because you loved them enough to let them into your heart. You, as an adoptive mom, did that!

The post Navigating an Adoptive Mother’s Heart appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Three-year-old Jake walked into the garage where his foster dad worked on a wood project. The loud sounds of sounds and hammering filled the garage. Almost immediately, Jake became agitated, putting his little hands over his ears. Jake noticed an old pair of earmuffs on the workbench, walked over to them, reached up, and put them on. Within a few moments, unknowingly practicing a self-soothing technique, he went from stressed to calm. 

Rick was astounded at the difference and allowed Jake to “play” with the earmuffs all day. Later that day, when Rick took Jake to get his own set of earmuffs, Jake’s behavior around the house improved as well.

Rick and his wife, Anna, were new foster parents and knew little about sensory issues. They only saw behaviors that frustrated them. Within a few weeks, their caseworker arranged for an occupational therapist to come to the home weekly to work with Jake and his foster parents. As they learned more about self-soothing techniques and self-regulation, their parenting of this precious young fellow changed. They knew what they needed to do and why. They still had a lot of questions, one being, “What is the difference between self-soothing and self-regulation?”

Self-Regulation

Erin Arant, a licensed occupational therapist and mother of three, two by adoption with traumatic histories, describes the difference between self-soothing and self-regulation. “In my opinion, self-soothing is a more primal way to de-escalate from an already escalated state. Self-regulation is something that can be learned to help avoid escalation in the first place.”

“I like to think of an infant as a good example of self-soothing behavior that comes naturally to them,” says Brianna Robbins, an occupational therapist student and sister to three adopted children, one with sensory issues. “When an infant is left alone, they cry a little bit, but soon the self-soothing behavior kicks in. An infant may suck his thumb or reach for a plush toy or blanket to hold. It is not a behavior he has been taught but has learned to do independently. It regulates behavior because it is soothing.”

Of course, babies engage in some self-soothing techniques like thumb-sucking and twirling their hair when stressed. However, toddlers need adequate developmental support if they do not develop advanced self-soothing skills independently. Without it, which is the case for many foster and adopted children, maladaptive self-soothing methods may develop, which can lead to later problematic behavior, such as oppositional behavior (children) or alcoholism (adults). Severe anxiety disorder in childhood can lead to panic disorder and other anxiety disorders in adulthood.[1]

Maladaptive Self-Soothing Behaviors

What negative self-soothing techniques can children develop without the nurturing support of caring adults? We often think of the behaviors listed below as toddler behaviors. It is important to remember that many of our children are developmentally behind, even as much as one-half their chronological age. Because of this, a parent may see these behaviors occurring in older children. 

Here are some examples of maladaptive self-soothing behaviors:

• Repetitive rocking in an older child
• Object sucking (e.g., clothing)
• Fingernail biting
• Object chewing (e.g. pencil)
• Cuticle picking
• Nose picking
• Hair pulling
• Head banging
• Throwing objects
• Grinding teeth

“When a child struggles with self-regulation or self-soothing behaviors, parents can react. It feels like a tantrum, or the youngster is extra fussy,” Brianna commented. “It’s not that he is initially trying to cause a disruption. He doesn’t know how to calm himself down.”

When parents deal constantly with these behaviors, it can lead to frustration and eventually emotional and physical disconnection from the child. Those behaviors can be like sandpaper grating against a parent’s attachment to the child. So what can parents do?

Practice Your Self-Regulation Skills

Staying calm in the moment is usually easier said than done. When a child’s behavior escalates to a meltdown (we typically think of this as a tantrum, but there is a difference), it immediately takes us out of our comfort zone. We react to the child’s behavior instead of responding to the child’s needs.

“Adults, or whoever is the caregiver in the situation, have to be calm,” recommends Erin. “If that means you take a second to calm yourself down before addressing the situation, that is what you need to do. You can also model that response in your stressful situations. It is a good time to model self-regulation by saying, ‘Hey buddy, I’m really upset right now. I’m going to take a minute to calm down, and we can come back in 5 minutes to reconnect.’ So, try and make sure to be level-headed before engaging with a dysregulated child.” There are several things that parents can do to help children manage unhealthy self-soothing behaviors.

Be Aware of Triggers

“It takes an attentive parent to understand the triggers that cause a reaction,” Erin continued. “At first, it will be trial and error.”

Attached to this article is a helpful tool titled Tracking Behaviors. First, pay attention to maladaptive self-soothing techniques like those listed above. “Be attentive to when behavior happens, what occurred beforehand, how much sleep your child had the night before, what your child may have eaten, etc.”

Erin mentioned another component to which to be attentive. “Pay attention to the people your child is around. You might notice a trend. For example, your kiddo might display maladaptive self-soothing responses whenever he comes in from playing with the same neighborhood child.”

Tools for Self-Soothing

“If I see any maladaptive behavior,” Erin says, “this tells me I need to enact a plan.” Here are some examples of what such a plan might involve, though there will always be some trial and error. Two of Erin’s favorites to use with her daughter and in her practice are the following:

Calm-Down Box

A calm-down box houses your child’s (or your) favorite items to help them self-regulate, regain a normal heart rate, and center themselves. Calm-down boxes focus on sensory exercises that can ground us by feeling, smelling, hearing, or practicing breathing [2]. To learn more about this helpful tool, click here. Erin mentioned that asking for her calm-down box is not unusual for her daughter. This tool can be created for everyone in the family.

Sensory Scavenger Hunt

If a child is connected enough and not too dysregulated, the sensory scavenger hunt is a tool a parent can use to help regulate their child. Erin does the following:

“I would say to my daughter, I see you are upset right now. Let’s play a sensory scavenger hunt.

• Can you tell me five things you see? Look around. (For example, a child might respond, ‘dog,’ ‘chair,’ ‘TV’, etc.) 
• Can you tell me four things you hear?
• Can you tell me three things you can touch?
• Can you tell me two things you can taste?
• Can you tell me one thing you can smell?

For parents living with children who manifest several maladaptive self-soothing behaviors, giving them alternatives, such as those mentioned above, can be very helpful. There are many resources available that can be found by searching on the web. 

For more information from Erin regarding sensory issues, self-soothing, and self-regulation, read this article’s attachment.

[1] https://www.parentingforbrain.com/self-soothing/

[2] https://www.childsavers.org/calm-down-box/

 

Erin Arant is a licensed occupational therapist and Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI)® practitioner specializing in complex developmental trauma and sensory processing. She is based in Oregon.

Briana Robbins is a 2nd-year Occupational Therapy doctoral student at Kettering College in Ohio.

The post The Ins and Outs of Self-Soothing Techniques appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Cocooning is a fantastic opportunity to bond with a child who is new to your household. If the cocoon concept is new, consider it an adjustment and transition time for the entire family. There are a lot of different dynamics that may accompany a foster or adoptive child coming into your home. Some of those may be positive, and some may be challenging. A child’s age, length of time in foster care, and possible trauma that they may have experienced all play a factor in the cocooning needs of the child. 

What Is Cocooning?

Cocooning provides a safe space to rest, relax, recover, regulate, and build relationships between a child and their new family. The general timeframe for a cocoon season in an adoption and foster care family is between two and four months. During this timeframe, families are encouraged to limit interactions with friends and family in order to bond as a family. Cocooning is an art form, not a science. The key to cocooning well is to be flexible to the child’s needs.

To understand how a family should cocoon, it’s essential to understand the foundation and goals of what the cocoon process is trying to accomplish and where we are headed as therapeutic parents.

Birds Nests and Turtling

In therapeutic parenting, we talk a lot about using the concepts of bird nests and “turtling.” The concept of bird nests generally focuses on providing a safe place for a child to rest and regulate. When talking about “turtling,” the focus is maintaining and carrying safety while being willing to stay in control and come out of the shell and live.

When cocooning, we combine these concepts to match up with the attachment cycle. The Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) concept of the attachment cycle is as follows: 

1. The baby has a need
2. The baby verbally expresses the need 
3. The primary caregiver meets that need so that the baby feels safe and satisfied. 
4. When the baby feels safe and satisfied, the baby starts to trust the primary caregiver. 

Eventually, we want our children to be able to do this cycle themselves as adults. Cocooning is the first step towards accomplishing these goals.

Cocooning in adoption and foster care is an intentional season where parents provide safety and choose a relationship with their new child. With new infants, parents naturally do this to recover from giving birth, adjust to developing a new life routine to care for the baby and protect the young infant from too much exposure to germs and illness until their bodies can fight them off. Limiting the number of people holding a baby often helps the baby continue to attach to the parents. 

The 5 R’s of Cocooning

In adoption and foster care families, there are 5 R’s to the cocooning season: Rest, Relax, Recover, Regulate, and Relationship.

Rest

The cocoon season of rest is when we quiet down the outside noise and allow the brain and body to rest. People may have an adrenaline crash from the transition and need more sleep than usual. We also want this to be a time when parents get to be the resource for their child’s needs—allowing children to depend solely on their new mom and dad to meet their needs. This gives parents opportunities to start saying “yes” and meeting the child’s needs enough for a child to feel safe and satisfied. Rest means changing the normal flow of life and slowing down the calendar so there can be peace and space to rest.

Relax

People generally don’t realize how much anxiety comes with social interactions, busyness, and new environments. Cocooning means relaxing our schedules, calendars, friends, and family interactions enough to prevent tension in the environment or our bodies. Think of this as a staycation as an immediate family. It is a time for people to relax, get to know each other, and have fun together. Try not to fill this space with too many fun vacation events. Remember, the goal is to rest and relax at home as a family.

Recover

How long does recovery take? It takes as long as it takes. Each person is unique in their recovery needs. I highly encourage parents to be flexible with their expectations during this time. The art of recovery takes time. There are some things we are looking for as we recover. 

 

First, evaluate the child’s individual needs. If trauma is present, work with a TheraPlay play therapist to help stabilize the child and help them get safe first. Consider using TBRI parenting tools to engage and stabilize behaviors playfully. 

 

Secondly, we want to build new routines. These generally start with morning, bedtime, meals, school, and church routines. Please don’t change these all at once! Remember, cocooning is a several-month transition. We are going to slowly work towards developing our new routines. Start with meals and snack routines. Then, start to add the morning and evening routines, and when all of those are going smoothly, transition to adding school and church routines.

Regulate

How do we know if we are making progress during the cocoon season? The art of cocooning requires a balance of rest and isolation and new routine structures to promote family communication between parents and children. History of working with children has shown me that when we go slowly and take enough time to rest and recover, a child will become emotionally and behaviorally regulated. Watching a child’s physical and emotional responses will give insight into whether or not their brain is calming down and can regulate their emotions and behaviors. 

 

Remember, children are always others-regulated, which means parents must provide emotional regulation for children to feel grounded and regulated. Or they will be co-regulated, which means occasionally, the child may be able to regulate themselves. During the cocoon phase, assume your child will be learning to regulate off you. If you are grounded and peaceful, the child may be able to match you and be grounded and peaceful, too. 

 

During this time, parents will start to see the difference between the real child and the child’s trauma brain behaviors that are outside their ability to control. A child who is not being able to regulate emotions or behaviors needs a longer cocoon timeframe. In these cases, parents are highly encouraged to work with a TBRI trauma therapist to help. Parents must be aware that a child does not have the ability to choose how or when they regulate. This is an internal response from their brain and body that they cannot control.

Relationship

Parents are generally surprised when I tell them the relationship bond with their child comes at the end of the cocooning process. After all, isn’t the whole reason to do the cocooning season in the first place to build the relationship between the parents and child? Yes, it is. However, notice that in the attachment cycle, the ability to trust the primary caregiver comes at the end of the cycle, not the beginning. 

 

The parents’ job during this cocooning season is similar to the mama bird’s job. Parents choose relationships by protecting the safety of the nest, providing food, and a place of safe rest for their baby birds. Letting children rest, relax, recover, and regulate first gives them the foundational safety of a relationship to trust you as a parent and be willing to choose a relationship with you. 

 

This is where the “turtle” concept comes into the process. When a child is rested, relaxed, recovered, and regulated, they will start to feel safe enough to come out of their shell and interact with you. Many parents try to control this process, and in their excitement to choose a relationship and prove that they are a safe person for the child, they unintentionally wound the relationship. This is again where choosing a relationship with a child is an art. 

 

Each child and their needs are unique. Keep giving opportunities for the relationship to build. Even if it’s not reciprocated, keep offering opportunities. You never know when or where a child can choose a relationship with you. Have hope; we know that turtles will come out of their shell when they are ready. We have to be willing to wait for them to be ready.

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You may have wondered before, “What is kinship care?” If you are caring for a relative’s children, you may not have heard the term “kinship placement” before you welcomed them into your home. I once met a grandfather who told me, “I didn’t know anyone else who was raising their grandkids—or that there was a name for it!”

An estimated 1 in 30 children in the United States today live in a kinship placement. That number works out to about one child in every classroom or several children in any neighborhood! You are not alone.

Kinship placement occurs when relatives open their homes to care for children. Grandparents often step into this role, but a kinship placement can be with an aunt, uncle, cousin, adult sibling, or anyone related to the children. Placement can occur for a few weeks, months, or as long as needed—sometimes permanently, through legal guardianship or adoption.

What Leads to Kinship Placement?

Put simply, children need kinship care when their parents are unable to take care of them. In many cases, relatives recognize the needs in their family and make an informal arrangement with the children’s parents. Sometimes, kinship caregivers agree to care for children temporarily and later realize that longer-term care is needed. An informal kinship placement can help to prevent children from entering the foster care system.

In other circumstances, the children’s needs may come to the attention of the county or state social services agency. A social worker determines the children are unsafe in their parents’ care and seeks relatives to care for them. This allows the children to have the stability of living with family members rather than being placed with an unrelated foster family.

Whatever the situation, if you are caring for a relative’s children, you are providing critical help to keep the children safe. You may also feel surprised by the sudden change to your life, saddened by the situation, or completely overwhelmed. All of these feelings are normal! Help is available to you, and it won’t always feel this way.

Helping Children Return Home

You may feel caught in the middle as a kinship care provider. Your life has suddenly been consumed with caring for children; however, you are probably still in a relationship with the relatives who are their parents. These relationships can become complicated, but in many cases, a kinship placement is a short-term solution while the children’s parents resolve the issues that led to the children needing placement with you.

Setting Appropriate Boundaries

Your care for the children can provide the space and time that their parents need to make things right. While you may feel inclined to help the children’s parents with additional support, keep in mind that your first priority is to care for the children. This care may require you to set boundaries and encourage the children’s parents to find the help they need through other people. Community is essential on the road to healing.

For example, one grandmother told me that her son was continuing to receive his children’s state benefits even though she was taking care of the children. She said, “I had to realize that my son (the children’s father) is not a child anymore. I had to care first for his kids, even if it meant I couldn’t cover for his needs.”

When you set appropriate boundaries, not only do you ensure that the children receive the care they need, but you also give their parents an opportunity to meet their needs in healthier and more sustainable ways. Ultimately, setting boundaries can help parents to reunify with their children.

If you’re like many kinship families I’ve known, you may enjoy better family relationships after reunification than before the kinship placement. The children will have forged a special connection to you by living in your home, and your relatives will have received the help they need to care for their children in healthier ways.

What Happens After Kinship Placement?

If your relative’s children are placed with you through a social worker or court order, there will be local requirements that determine the expectations you should have and what’s expected of you. States differ in their laws and practices around kinship care. You can empower yourself to learn more about the process by asking your social worker or representative a few questions.

These questions may include:

• How often can we expect visits or communication from a social worker?
• Are we eligible for financial assistance or other resources to help care for the children?
• Is there a plan for reunification, and when is the next court date?
• Are there any guidelines around the children’s visits with their parents?

If your placement is informal—meaning that the courts are not involved—you may still be eligible for assistance. Contact your local social services agency to ask about your rights as a kinship care provider and any public resources available. You will also need to work with the children’s parents to obtain signed paperwork that allows you to provide care for the children legally, such as for school enrollment and medical care.

The Local Church Can Help

Churches take the words of Scripture to heart, including the call to care for children living outside of parental care. If you don’t already attend a local church, there is certainly one nearby who would love to welcome you and your family. Some local churches have foster care ministries where they may offer resources, support groups, and even childcare to foster families. These churches happily include kinship placements among the families they serve!

Even if a church does not have a formal foster care ministry, they may have benevolence ministries, a prayer ministry, and other ways of coming alongside you.

Many churches across the country host Royal Family KIDS Camp and Mentoring through my organization, For The Children. Through these programs, children between the ages of 6 and 12 attend free summer camp and year-round mentoring with caring, trained adults. Our chapters welcome kinship placements and can refer you to additional resources in your community.

A kinship placement can be full of unknowns, but one thing is for sure: You matter! Your care for your relative’s children through difficult circumstances will impact the rest of their lives. I pray that you will discover help and strength as you continue on the journey of kinship placement.

The post What Is Kinship Placement? appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Transracial Adoption or Transracial Placement

Before continuing, I believe it is important to understand the terms “transracial adoption” and “transracial placement.” Therefore, I connected with an expert, Dr. Sharen Ford, the Director of Foster Care and Adoption at Focus on the Family, to better understand both terms. See the graphics below.

I believe a biblical worldview demonstrates that we are all one transracial family. Matthew 22:37-39 says, “And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'” Without this kind of biblical love, our relationships become counterfeit. We love our neighbor as ourselves regardless of their color.

Therefore, in response to Lilly’s question, I said, “No, you are not a bad person for wanting to transracial adopt.” There are many factors that one must consider, though. With our time, we examined four main points that explain how beautiful multicultural families are.

Culture Matters

Whose voice are you listening to? The presenters at the conference discouraged transracial adoption specifically because caregivers do not have the same experiences. What they underestimated was the caregiver’s ability to be compassionate.

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “11 o’clock on Sunday morning is one of the most segregated hours, if not the most segregated hours in Christian America.” In modern times, worship music still separates us as the Church. I believe music is imperative to transracial families because it breaks down barriers. As a black child, singing traditional black gospel songs or having a praise break taught me how to praise through pain. It taught me that Jesus was worthy regardless. I’ve also learned how to hear the quiet voice of the Lord in modern praise and worship. I’ve learned how he can bring peace through a single guitar. Therefore, to be more like Jesus, the body of Christ should be interested in different forms of music.

Imagine a scenario in which a foster family has a daughter whose primary language is Spanish. During traditional worship, a language barrier prevents her from fully participating. However, introducing a verse sung in Spanish opens the door for her to engage. Now, she has something she can relate to, and the congregation has expanded its sense of community. Amazingly, a single act of compassion can make all the difference.

What about black children who attend modern praise and worship churches? Wouldn’t they create their bonds with similar children? Yes, but it is equally important that children in transracial placements have an opportunity to create similar memories and experiences as their peers. Everyone can grow and learn from firsthand cultural experiences. This will strengthen families. Embracing the love of Jesus and remaining receptive to different cultures is crucial in transracial placement.

Children in transracial adoption will likely want to know their history. That can be hard for foster and adoptive parents. Being in a multicultural marriage with two wonderful biracial children has shown me many things, maybe the most important of those being our upbringing. Because each of our upbringings varies, we see the world differently.

Overcoming Perspectives

I remember taking my wife (She was my girlfriend at the time) to a movie. As we were driving, a police car followed closely behind us. The highway’s speed limit was 75 mph, but I slowed to 65. “Why did you slow down? You were at 75,” she said. I had to explain to her that I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself as a black man. I had to go under the speed limit to be seen as normal. This was hard for her to understand because she had not experienced the same biases my family and I had.

Honestly, I did not know what would happen next. Would she ignore my experiences or walk through them with me? Fortunately, she chose the latter. The most important lesson I’ve learned in this moment was God overcomes our perspectives. He brought my wife and I together regardless of our backgrounds. Her choice not to rush to judge my feelings but to experience them with me (Romans 12:15) was key. I told Lilly that it is essential to view children in adoptive or foster placement similarly. God will place a child in your home and heart for a reason. Choose to understand them when their attention and intentions may differ from yours.

Be In Front

Caregivers need an abundance of active understanding. In the video, “My Son is Black, My Son is White,” Foster Care and Adoption Manager Derek Carter says he received this advice, “They don’t need you to be behind them. They need you to be in front of them… fighting for them.” Fear of what may or may not happen is a natural thing. People will see Lilly’s family differently, but God sees her transracial child as one of his own.

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One way that we create order out of our unknowns is by sorting things into categories. Humans seek to find the connections between seemingly unrelated items. While this may work for kitchen organization, it can fall very short when looking at children, behaviors, and relationships. We tend to build buckets where we put things we don’t understand; however, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) doesn’t fit into a bucket. When we see unusual behaviors in children, we go straight to calling them RAD. Let’s challenge this practice and build an understanding of behaviors through the lens of attachment disruptions, not a disorder.

These disruptions may occur for various reasons, not all negative. Perhaps a parent was deployed to serve our country in their military career, which caused a disruption in connection. Parents may suffer from a medical condition and be hospitalized during a critical time in a child’s development. Or perhaps a parent experiences a bout of depression and isn’t available for their child emotionally. These circumstances may create some disruptions in children’s attachment. Subsequently, children can demonstrate behaviors that create confusion and frustration because those behaviors do not make sense to us.

What is Attachment?

Let’s start at the beginning: a baby demonstrates a need—to be fed, held, changed, or soothed—and their parent tends to their need, creating a bond of trust and safety. The next time the child’s needs appear, they believe that their needs will be met, and they are. This cycle repeats multiple times and creates a healthy attachment. This was my story. Even though I was born to a teen mom, she chose to give me life, nurturing and meeting my needs so that I grew up feeling loved and cherished. With that experience as part of my history, I could provide this same experience to my children, who then created secure attachments to their children. 

Disruptions in Attachment and Bonding

Now consider the opposite of this experience. A child expresses a need that is missed or dismissed, and the child doesn’t get to soothe and regulate. The child later cries again, wanting his needs met. For a multitude of reasons, the parent is unable to meet the child’s need. The child expresses their need again, with the same result, and the parent doesn’t meet it again. The child begins to believe that no one will be there for them; there is no one they can trust. One of the saddest things I ever heard was that babies in an Eastern European orphanage stopped crying. Can you imagine that level of despair? 

We often think we can swoop in and fix their hurt by loving them. Yes, that is an important ingredient because love is patient, kind, and forgives all things. However, we also need to know how to create reparative parenting interventions where children learn how to trust and self-regulate. Because their needs weren’t met as a baby, they began to believe they were the only ones who could meet them. Now you can see why giving trust is so difficult. These children may also struggle with trusting God because their development does not include a healthy relationship with trust. 

Children may exhibit behavioral responses because of these disruptions in attachment and bonding. The behaviors may be small and seemingly insignificant, or they may be huge and feel overwhelming. The presence of the behavior does not necessarily warrant a diagnosis. 

 

Reactive Attachment Disorder

RAD is a term that gets thrown around, perhaps without a realistic understanding of what it is or isn’t. RAD is an acronym that stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is a disorder that must meet specific criteria. A licensed clinician should only make this diagnosable disorder because a child meets the required criteria of the disorder’s threshold. Giving a diagnosis creates a label for a child, which may be difficult to leave behind as they grow and develop. This is not God’s plan for us. Not only did God create us uniquely, but His plan is also for us to prosper and not perish under a diagnosis. RAD isn’t something we grab onto when we don’t know what else to do. RAD is not an automatic response when we see behaviors we don’t understand. 

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) results when a child doesn’t form healthy emotional bonds with their caretakers (parental figures), often due to emotional neglect or abuse at an early age. Children with RAD histories display trouble managing their emotions. They struggle to form meaningful connections with other people. They also rarely seek or show signs of comfort and may seem fearful of or anxious around their caretakers, even when their caretakers are quite loving and caring. What is most important to remember is that children’s behaviors are not intentional; they are not trying to push your buttons and act out to cause you pain. They are in pain, demonstrating their pain-based behaviors. 

Responding to Reactive Attachment Disorder

Whether your child meets the criteria for a diagnosis or not, the most important thing is to look at how we show up for them. We must hunt for and find the child’s need and then meet it; that’s when the behaviors will diminish. 

Also important to note is that behaviors will increase and escalate during times of stress and transition. Be aware of this tendency, and work to not react to their behaviors. While the behaviors may feel very personal, they aren’t. 

Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder

Trust

Here’s what you might see in children and youth with attachment disruptions. They may not trust easily. Even though you are trustworthy, they may not extend trust to you. You may feel as though they will never trust you. Be careful not to react in extreme ways. This takes time, more time than you expected. 

Emotional Withdrawal

Your child may also emotionally withdraw by not seeking comfort when they are stressed or upset. They feel as though they can’t trust or depend on anyone. If someone tries to comfort them, they generally don’t respond, which could make them angry, resulting in acting out behaviors. Then we tend to give them consequences, further reinforcing why they can’t trust the adults in their lives.

Limited Emotional Response

With your child’s lack of emotional responsiveness, their affect or countenance may be very limited and they may not show their emotions. Because of this, it may be challenging to understand what they are feeling. Rather than trying to tell them that you understand and that you know what they are feeling, what if you started with an observation? Let me give you an example. What if you were to say, “I see your jaw clenched (or tight). What might be causing that?” This approach keeps the child from reacting and feeling like they need to defend their position. You are showing up with curiosity rather than judgment. The children’s behaviors can be difficult to manage. Behaviors such as irritability, sadness, or fearfulness are evident even during times that seem to be non-threatening. 

Other Behaviors

The other behaviors I see most often are lying, stealing, and raging. These three behaviors seem to show up frequently in children with attachment disruptions. Giving consequences does not work for these behaviors; instead, we should focus on healing their trauma histories. To do that, we need a different set of skills. Fortunately, there are great resources to help you in this journey, such as TBRI or counseling.

The post What Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Is and What It Isn’t appeared first on Focus on the Family.

[Deep breath.] I “practice the pause,” a behavioral script we use with our children to provide space for reflection before taking action.

And it’s as if a playback reel begins in my memory…the moments at the theme park, throwing rocks in the creek as kids, being led in worship by my dad on the mission field, Mom being the first to approach the referee if a call in a game wasn’t fair, gripping one another’s hands tight in the wake of unimaginable loss, and now chasing our own kids through the same fields that hold our best-kept secrets and fondest childhood memories. My eyes begin to well up with tears—a blend of nostalgia and gratitude. What a wild ride this life of ours has been, and how grateful I am for the gift of journeying alongside my siblings as they have played a part in my becoming the person God has purposed me to be.

Being and Becoming Children of God

This idea of being and becoming children of God has impacted me and served as a framework for how I understand my life as a Christian. While in graduate school, my dissertation was a theological inquiry on the practice of the adoption of children with complex disabilities. As I worked my way through scripture, commentaries, and scholarly articles, adoption as a concept primarily appeared in Paul’s writings. He was the only New Testament author to explicitly use the Greek word for adoption (huiothesia). 

However, the further I read, the more I began to appreciate John’s use of familial language and imagery throughout his writings to paint a picture of our identity as believers as God’s children. At the height of his introductory chapter in John 1:12, John writes, “But to all who received him, who believe in his name, he gave power to become children of God.” Understood at its most basic level, adoption (in both theological and practical terms) is becoming someone’s child, consequently resulting in a furthering of one’s former identity. This is both static and dynamic. It is static in that the child becomes a part of the family upon adoption. However, it is a dynamic reality because as the child and family members continually journey together, they impact and change one another, giving rise to a new expression of family. 

Loving Adoptive Siblings is A Lifelong Journey

When my younger sisters entered our family through adoption, it was both a momentary act and the beginning of a lifelong journey. As I’ve come to understand, my commitment as an adoptive sibling is to purposefully move toward my siblings with intentionality in the act of giving and receiving love, hoping that act impacts my siblings while also allowing it to change who I am and who I am becoming. Similarly, in my faith journey, the act of salvation changed my whole world and identity in an instant. Yet the journey of sanctification continues to move me closer to Jesus, becoming the person God has purposed me to be. 

Reflecting on the Book of John, New Testament scholar Ben Witherington writes, “What we find in [the Gospel according to John] is a plethora of people on the way to becoming full-fledged disciples … but they have not yet fully arrived … Only [after Jesus’ resurrection] was a fuller understanding possible, and only then was the Paraclete sent that could lead one into all truth and empower believers to be children of God.”

Loving Adoptive Siblings: A Continual Becoming

It is a gift—an invitation—to be welcomed into the dynamic of familial love, both temporally and spiritually. The gift that it is doesn’t preclude the journey from its own unique difficulties. I’ve watched from across the hospital room, straining to see the face of my siblings through hot tears provoked by the untimely death of our sister. And yet we stood together, hand-in-hand, tossing roses on her grave, convinced that this was not the end of our continual becoming her big brothers and sisters. With every sunrise and revelation of courage or hope that fuels our hearts with hope to welcome yet another day, we soldier on and appreciate that even though our sister is no longer with us, her life and legacy continue to be used by the Spirit to change us into who we are becoming.

A Call to Be and Become

And so the call to care is the call to be and become, to have an imagination as wild as those youngsters running through the backwoods of Tennessee, thinking we were in the Amazon jungle—that kind of imagination for who we are in Christ and who by the power of his Spirit we are becoming. 

Because who knows? One day you may find yourself at a computer writing down what it means to be the big sister and find your eyes leaky with happy tears and a heart about to burst with pride. Just this past month, my three daughters and I sat alongside my parents as we watched my youngest sister soar for Team USA, earning the title of World Champion at the International Cheer Union competition. We celebrated my sister, Shaoey, finishing graduate school and earning her Master of Social Work. We watched my brothers achieve a multigenerational dream as they took the stage of the Grand Ole Opry with their band, Colony House, for their debut Opry performance. I find myself among the most pedigreed, and I couldn’t be more pleased to hold the title of a proud big sister because it is, in part, changing me into who I am becoming. 

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“I knew I would be sad; I didn’t expect to be this angry and resentful towards my child,” a parent recounts as they try navigating grief in their foster to adopt family. It’s common for me to sit with parents who are tearful and angry during and after their foster-to-adopt journey. As a foster parent, the focus is on being a safe haven for a child. Families expect to have feelings about why foster care is needed. Many families will share how they expected there to be “some grief over the years” but were not prepared for the grief war that would erupt inside the entire family.

My child developed a routine after the initial adjustment to foster placement, and things seemed to calm down. Now that the adoption has occurred, it feels like we are going backward in behavioral outbursts. It is not just our adopted child; it’s our whole family. Everyone seems stressed out and prickly.

One mom described:

I was prepared to do therapeutic parenting and have some behaviors as a result of the transition to adoption. I guess I thought if I did the therapeutic parenting steps, I would get the therapeutic results. I expected A + B to = C in a factual timeframe. The longer the healing journey takes with the same severity of behaviors that come and go, it’s hard to not be angry and resentful. It feels like I’m angry at everyone. I’m angry at the birth family for needing foster to adopt services, I’m angry at myself for not being able to fix it for my child, I’m angry at my child for not responding the way I think they could to me, I’m angry at my spouse for not being able to make it better, I’m angry at God that He is not helping my child heal, and I’m angry that our adoption journey doesn’t look like other families who seem to be happy. I’m resentful that this child is taking away my time and energy from my other kids and the other areas of my life. I’m resentful that I’m not able to get my needs met “enough” because I’m trying to meet my child’s needs “enough.” I’m just sooooo angry. Now every time I have to stop and do TBRI, I’m instantly mad and resentful, which isn’t beneficial for therapeutic parenting. I don’t know how to not be mad. And on the days I manage not to be mad, I just cry because I’m so sad about what this adoption journey has done to our family.”

A Mother of Five

Tools for Navigating Grief in Foster to Adopt Families

Living with ongoing grief is challenging. People have every right to be hurt and angry about these things. Yet, in the midst of this storm, there is hope. Consider these tools:

Accept That Grief is Part of the Equation.

Don’t try to fight it and get rid of it. Accept it is here and allow it to be present. Note: Acceptance does not mean entertaining it or expressing it. It simply means we acknowledge its presence.

Use the Word “And.”

My great mentor, Tim Sanford, always says, “You can feel an emotion “AND” choose a safe action.” For example, I can feel angry and still do dishes without breaking them. Or I feel resentful, and I can stop to get grounded before continuing to parent.

Plan Your “Pop.”

When grief is ongoing, the emotions will be present and need to be addressed regularly. People can choose to wait for the emotions to build up and then explode when they aren’t expecting it. Or, find a regular time to intentionally let out the emotions that we know are present during this season of grief. I have one mom who has a two by four and a box of nails in her garage and goes out when the kids are at school to hammer nails into the board while verbalizing what she is angry about. Playing emotional charades as a family is another great activity.

Connect as a Spouse.

Remember, marriage is a team on the journey to a successful family. If one team member is struggling, returning to the sidelines and renegotiating the game plan is essential. Quarterbacks and receivers can’t make touchdowns by themselves. They have to support each other. A spouse often knows there is stress. They are often unaware when their spouse’s emotions have reached their limit until an explosion occurs. Choose to connect with words to your spouse before emotions take over parental behaviors.

Dial a Friend

Have a list of five people you have previously asked to be part of the support system during this year. Call one or two and ask them to offer a prayer/hug and reminder about the “why” that started the adoption journey.

A Child Grieves Too

Biological, fostered, or adopted children will each have their own grief experience. A child may or may not grieve immediately after the adoption. The general thought around grief is that one cannot begin to grieve until after the event’s one-year anniversary. When the event happens, there is a shock and survival time period. One has to get through all the “firsts” (for example, a first Christmas or birthday) before going through the grieving process. Grief is a unique and individual process. The goal when grieving is not to prevent or fix it but instead recognize it when it shows up and give it acceptance space to process.

Please be aware that as the adoptive parent, you will likely not be the person your child will want to process their grief with. Having a life book that children can reference or having other age-appropriate friends who are adopted can also be helpful, especially for teens. Connecting your child with a safe adult they can talk to or having a counselor is generally beneficial. These people will most likely hear about the grief before the adoptive parent becomes aware. Here are some possible situations that cause children to grieve.

Situations a Biological Child May Grieve:

• I don’t have my parent’s attention.
• My sibling’s behaviors control everything.
• I’m embarrassed to bring my friends around my family.
• I miss “normal.”
• I miss my parents being able to attend my sports or school performances.
• I miss the peace in our house.
• I miss my alone time.

Situations That May Cause an Adopted or Fostered Child to Experience Grief

• My birth mom is not able to care for me.
• I miss my birth family/siblings/aunts/uncles/cousins.
• I miss my house, school, neighbors, and friends.
• I miss the food my mom made.
• I’m angry at my foster parents for not protecting me from having to go back to my birth family where I was hurt again.
• I feel internal chaos, rage, and sadness, and no words exist to express it.
• I don’t want to do the work of learning to be a part of a new family.
• I’m scared this new family will also hurt me at some point.
• Holidays and special vacations are not the same.
• I have to make new friends.
• I’m figuring out a “new me.”

How to Navigate Grief in Foster to Adopt Families

Be Open to Awareness.

Your child’s age will dramatically affect their transition from foster to adoption. If your child is under three years old, there are still options to develop attachment. TheraPlay is foundational. Over the age of three years, bonding with a caregiver can happen, and earned attachment may be possible. Parents will need to watch and evaluate their child’s needs regularly. TBRI parenting is highly advised. However, above all else, choose a relationship and be open to a new awareness of what a child may need.

A “Gotcha Day” Example

Consider this example: Some children enjoy their “gotcha day” as a second birthday. However, let me share a story of a fifteen-year-old young man I recently saw in my practice. He was adopted at four years old. He told me the following story:

When I was little, I liked my “gotcha day.” It was like having a second birthday. Everyone made a huge deal about it all day long. I didn’t mind because I liked my family and I enjoyed the fun things I got. As I got older, I started to realize that my “gotcha day” reminded me that my birth mom couldn’t take care of me. It’s a reminder that I had to be adopted and a yearly reminder that I have another family out there that I don’t know. The older I get, the less celebration there is.

Today is my “gotcha day” anniversary. I have been dreading it for over a week now. Wishing my family would forget or wish I could. I have so many questions about who I am and how much I am like my birth family. I stayed in my room as long as I could today without it being noticed. Everyone has come up and hugged me and said, “Happy gotcha day!” but we aren’t doing anything special. And that’s ok with me. I just feel depressed and alone, but I don’t know what I want or need. I don’t know how to tell my parents I don’t want to celebrate “gotcha day” anymore because I don’t want to hurt them. I know they care and would listen, but I don’t know what to tell them I need. I just feel lost.

Choose Relationship

Families will learn to navigate each other’s grief. The critical thing to focus on is maintaining the connection in the relationship. Take breaks when needed. Always return to repair the relationship and know the other person’s reality. There will be lots of moments of joy amid the grief. Notice the joy that is there and enjoy that moment. Grief is a season and does not last forever.

Give Safe Space

When you notice grief is present, don’t rush through it to fix it. Give grief a safe place to be heard and supported. Allow people space to feel their emotions safely without trying to get a resolution. A couple of helpful questions at this moment for parents are “Tell me more,” or “What does acceptance of this emotional look like right now?” As we accept the presence of the grief emotion and use the “and” word to move towards action, be aware of the need for calm breathing. Often just sitting in that safe place with a person and breathing with them for a while is enough for peace to come.

I love a quote from my old recovery coin: “Serenity isn’t freedom from the storm; it’s finding peace within the storm. Grief changes with time. Give it time.”

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