Before 16-year-old Rebecca lights candles on the small altar in her bedroom each night, she says her prayers: “Hail, fair Moon, ruler of the night, guard me and mine until the light. Hail fair Sun, ruler of the day, make the morn to light my way.” On her altar are four porcelain chalices representing the elements — air, water, fire, and earth. Each contains rose petals, semi-precious stones, melted candle wax, and dried leaves. They rest on the corners of a five-pointed star. A frog symbolizing “spirit” and “life” sits on point five of the pentagram. Here, in front of her altar, Rebecca performs rituals and casts spells, all in the name of Wicca.

Rebecca is one of the growing number of teenage girls who practice Wicca. For the past half-century, this religion has been growing by leaps and bounds in Europe and North America. Drive to the mall and you’ll see cars with bumper stickers declaring, “The goddess is alive. Magic is afoot!”

Flip on the tube or go to the movies and you’ll find witches portrayed as young, powerful, and glamorous. From TV shows to movies, something is definitely “afoot” in American culture.

Wicca goes Mainstream

For many reasons, including the positive attention they’re getting in entertainment, paganism, goddess worship, and witchcraft have a new crop of devoted followers. The book Teen Witch: Wicca for a New Generation has sold more copies for occult publisher Llewellyn than any other in its 95-year history. Also, the Christian-based Spiritual Counterfeits Project hotline in Berkeley, California, reports receiving more inquiries about Wicca in recent years than any other religion. The callers are nearly all teenage girls.

It’s hard to deny that Wicca and other similar practices are exploding in popularity. Possibly you’ve experimented with these religions yourself. Or maybe you have friends who call themselves Wiccans. Whatever the reason for your curiosity, this article will help you discover the truth about Wicca, what its followers believe, why it’s so appealing and how it’s at odds with God’s Word.

What is Wicca?

Wicca is a complex religion that is often associated with witchcraft, occultism and neo-paganism. The way these words overlap can get confusing, so let’s dive into the dictionary.

Wicca: From the Anglo-Saxon word wicce. It means to bend or shape nature to your service.

Witchcraft: The practice of magic or sorcery by anyone outside the religious mainstream of a society. This term is used in different ways in different times and places.¹

Occultism: Belief in practices such as astrology, alchemy, divination, and magic that are based on “hidden knowledge” about the universe and its mysterious forces.

Occultists try to tap into this unseen knowledge to bring about whatever effects they desire.²

Neo-Paganism: The recent revival of ancient polytheistic European and Middle-Eastern religions. 

Neo-paganism is a loosely defined system of worshiping nature and the gods of nature.

These terms may seem as clear as mud. Since different people use them to mean different things, it can be hard to keep them straight.

What’s important to notice are the common themes of worshiping nature and using spiritual forces to get results.

Most anyone who calls himself or herself a Wiccan, goddess worshiper or witch practices these things.

Another important thing to remember is that Wicca is not the same as Satanism.

In fact, most witches don’t believe in Satan at all.

In addition, Wiccans live by one central rule called The Rede, which says, “Harm no one, do what you will.” In other words, witches are free to do whatever seems right to them as long as they avoid harming others. A closely related rule is the Threefold Law, which instructs that “anything you do will come back to you three times over.”

Other Wiccan Beliefs

• Wiccans worship “the mother goddess” and her companion “the horned god.” They say both of these deities manifest themselves in nature. For instance, Rebecca’s prayer acknowledged the sun as the female goddess and the moon as the god. You may also have heard the goddess referred to as Mother Nature. Wiccans believe that the goddess is in everything — in rocks and in trees, the earth and the sky.
• Sometimes, the goddess is represented by specific female deities such as the ancient Greek goddesses Artemis (the goddess of the wilderness) or Gaia (the goddess of the Earth), who was celebrated in the film Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Some Wiccans even claim that the goddess is Mary, the mother of Jesus. The horned god is often represented by the lusty Greek god Pan or the Egyptian god of the dead, Osiris.
• Most Wiccans celebrate eight holidays or “sabbats” centered on the solar cycles and “esbats” centered on the lunar cycles. These celebrations are supposedly times of heightened interaction between the natural and supernatural worlds.³
• Magic and spell-casting are an integral part of Wicca. Wiccans say that spells are symbolic acts performed in an altered state of consciousness in order to cause a desired change. There are spells to overcome loneliness, to attract money, to bring inner power and to bind an enemy, among others. Witches acknowledge that spells can be used to do good or harm.
• Wicca has no central book (like the Bible) that spells out its beliefs, so witches practice their religion in different ways. Some witches meet in groups called covens or circles, while others practice alone.⁴

Bewitched Teens

Why are movies, television, and magazines so obsessed with Wicca and witchcraft? And why are teens, especially girls, so enthusiastic about picking up the trend? Here are a few factors that might help explain this phenomenon:

Girl Power

According to its own myths, Wicca began more than 35,000 years ago within earth’s very first civilization. In this culture, women ruled. Life was peaceful and prosperous, and people worshiped nature and the goddess. The serene existence was supposedly shattered when male warriors invaded the nurturing female-led communities.⁵ Wiccans say that throughout history, they have been fighting to overcome the oppression of a male-ruled society. Today, Wiccans claim there is a goddess revival. They say women are reclaiming their power after living under male domination for too long. They call for women to usher in a new era of peace by throwing off the “shackles” of “male-dominated monotheistic religions” such as Christianity and follow the goddess again in all her forms. It’s easy to see why this myth has huge feminist appeal.

Just Plain Power

The thought of being able to control spiritual forces sounds pretty good to many teens who otherwise might feel powerless. Wiccans boast that their religion gives even young witches a great deal of control. Also, the secrecy of rituals may provide a sense of power.⁶

Saving the Earth

Teens who have grown up hearing news about the rapid destruction of the environment are likely to feel compelled to do something to help stop it. Wicca seems to provide an opportunity to treat nature with great care and reverence.

Having It My Way

Wicca has no set rules or absolute standards. Think back to The Rede, which tells followers to “do what you will.” In Wicca, each individual gets to decide on his or her own rules. As one Wiccan high priestess notes, “Within the circle there are no absolutes — no rights and wrongs.”⁷ Since most teens don’t believe in truth or absolute moral standards, Wicca can appear to be the perfect mix ‘n’ match religion.

Unfortunately, though these things may sound good, they’re deceptions that lead followers down a path to destruction.

In Over My Head: A Former Wiccan Tells Her Story

Kathy was raised in the church but rejected its teaching in her teens. She lived in Salem, Mass., a place with a history of witchcraft and many practicing Wiccans. “I was always kind of artsy, different and non-conformist,” she says, “Wicca attracted my interest because it appealed to those facets of my personality. It was certainly non-conformist, and I liked the mystery surrounding it.” So Kathy found a Wiccan high priestess who took her under her wing and taught her how to be a witch. “She told me it was all white magic, and that’s all I was interested in.”

But after a few years, things turned sour. “The more I learned, the more things started to spiral downward, deeper and deeper into darkness and black magic. I became very good at what I was being taught. My teacher never acknowledged Satan but did say there was something called ‘the abyss’ that we should avoid.”

Kathy’s New Reality

For Kathy, however, that proved to be difficult. “One hot summer night I was lying awake in my bedroom when all of a sudden the room became very cold. I started to shiver and broke out into a cold sweat, although it was the height of summer. A cold wind blew in through my windows, startling me. Now I was terrified. I hugged my knees to my chest and gasped as a legion of what can only be described as black demons encircled my head, all laughing at me. I started screaming out my Wiccan spells to rebuke them, hoping they would disappear. That only made things worse. The laughter escalated with each spell I tried.

From Memory

“Then all of a sudden I remembered my days in Sunday school as a child and the teachings of Jesus. I hadn’t thought about that in a long time. In a loud voice I called upon Jesus Christ to rid the room of this dark presence. Instantly they were gone, and my bedroom was once again calm and warm. My life was never the same after that.”

The next day on the way to school Kathy told herself, You have some serious personal inventory to do. She walked into a church that afternoon and has never looked back. Kathy is a Christian now and warns women who think Wicca is harmless. “A lot of women think that by practicing Wicca, worshiping this so-called goddess, that they are celebrating their womanhood. I am here to tell them there is a lot more to it than that. Lots of them haven’t had the experiences I have. But they can and will if they stick with it. It’s like the warning on a pack of cigarettes: ‘Wicca is dangerous and could be hazardous to your health.'”

What Does God Think about Witchcraft?

Since you’re reading this article, you’re probably curious about how Wicca measures up to the Bible. Can you be a Christian and dabble in Wicca? What does God have to say about magic and the supernatural world? Keep reading!

1. The Spiritual World is Real, and so is Satan.

One thing Wiccans have right is that there is a supernatural world that interacts constantly with the world we see, touch, and smell. Unfortunately, they believe it’s okay for humans to interact with spirits and spiritual forces any way we choose. To the contrary, the apostle Paul writes that the spiritual realm is potentially dangerous.

Therefore, we need to treat it the way God tells us to and be prepared for spiritual battles of good versus evil.

The Bible says:

• For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (Ephesians 6:12-13)

• Many Wiccans say that Wicca is harmless and nature-loving — that it has nothing to do with evil, Satanism, and dark forces. But that is exactly what Satan wants them to believe! Intent on deceit, “Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light,” says Paul. “It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness.” Paul says that if they don’t turn toward God and repent, “their end will be what their actions deserve” (2 Corinthians 11:14-15).

2. We Should Worship God, not His Creation.

Wiccans are also right to care for and appreciate nature. But they go too far when they start worshiping it. Jesus tells His followers in the Gospel of Luke, “Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only” (Luke 4:8). Creation is merely a reflection of His glory and is not to be worshiped.

The Bible says:

• For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.… They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator — who is forever praised. Amen. (Romans 1:21-23, 25)

3. Don’t Try to Contact or Control Supernatural Forces.

Magic and spells depend on what Wiccans call a psychic link. Psychic development can involve training in divination — the attempt to obtain information about the past, present, or future by occult means or one’s own psychic abilities.⁸ The Bible is very clear that divination and any other form of supernatural contact (other than prayer, of course!) is forbidden, since it relies on a supernatural power apart from God. In other words, there is no such thing as “white magic.”

The Bible says:

• Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord, and because of these detestable practices the Lord your God will drive out those nations before you.” (Deuteronomy 18:10-12)
• Do not practice divination or sorcery. (Leviticus 19:26)

4. Jesus is the Source of Real Power.

Many Wiccans are critical of the church’s view of women. They claim that Christianity does not empower women, whereas Wicca does. While it’s true that some Christians have distorted God’s Word and not honored women, the Bible says that men and women are equally important in the eyes of God.

The Bible says:

• So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (Genesis 1:27)

Because God places a high value on women as bearers of His image, Christianity honors women in a way that’s unique. That’s why women were often with Jesus during His ministry. And in John 4 we see Jesus treating a Samaritan woman with utmost respect, even though men weren’t supposed to talk to women, and Samaritans were considered outcasts in Jewish society.

We Don’t Need to Make Up our Own Rules

In Wicca, each follower is told to do as she wills. Their only standard is that no one should do harm. In other words, there is no absolute truth. But this presents several problems. First, how can one be sure that no harm is being done? Is there any way to know all the consequences of an action? No! And aren’t personal feelings a wishy-washy method of determining right and wrong? 

Alex Sanders, a well-known Wiccan who died in the 1980s, wrote, “A thing is good for me until I feel it is not right for me.” Another witch named Stewart Farrar elaborated, “The witch’s own conscience must be the final arbiter.”⁹ What if a witch one day feels that incest or murder is the right thing to do? Is there anything to stop him? Even though most Wiccans would say that these things are wrong, they have no firm basis for saying so.

A Powerful Authority

Christianity, on the other hand, provides a powerful authority for denouncing racism, crime, or any other moral wrong: God’s holy character and His Word, the Bible.

The Bible says:

• All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

Wiccans do not believe in sin as Christians do. They see sin as an outdated, constraining concept. Therefore, they see no need for God. Wiccan high priestess Starhawk says, “We can now open new eyes and see there is nothing to be saved from, no struggle of life against the universe, no God outside the world, to be feared and obeyed.”¹⁰ Through spiritual self-improvement, Wiccans hope to reach their equivalent of heaven, called the Summerland or the Land of Eternal Youth.

Good Work

On the other hand, the Bible tells us that no amount of good work can earn us eternal life. Through Christ alone we are saved.

The Bible says:

• “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. (Jesus in John 14:6)

It’s Your Choice

God has made it clear that Wicca is dangerous and incompatible with Christianity. He made His creation for us to enjoy as a reflection of His character, but not to be worshiped instead of Him. Wicca may seem attractive, magical and different, but it does not give eternal life and a relationship with the God of the universe. If you choose Wicca, you cannot choose God as well, because He will not tolerate worship of anything but Himself. He is perfect and holy. Study God’s Word and you will find that a life centered on the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who gave His life for us on the Cross is better than anything we could ever find here on earth.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations in this article are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® NIV Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. All Rights Reserved.

1. Robert Ellwood, “Witchcraft,” Microsoft Encarta Online Encyclopedia 2000. 
2. Robert Ellwood, “Witchcraft,” Microsoft Encarta Online Encyclopedia 2000. 
3. Sarah Hinlicky, “Witch Path Would You Choose?” www.boundless.org, 1999. 
4. Vivienne Crowley, The Principles of Wicca (Thorsons, 1997), pp. 6-7. 
5. Starhawk, The Spiral Dance: A Rebirth of the Ancient Religion of the Great Goddess (Harper, 1999), p. 27. 
6. Sarah Hinlicky, “Witch Path Would You Choose?” www.boundless.org, 1999. 
7. Vivienne Crowley, “The Initiation” in Jones and Matthews, Voices from the Circle, p. 82. 
8. Craig S. Hawkins, Goddess Worship, Witchcraft and Neo-Paganism (Zondervan, 1998), p. 21. 
9. Catherine Edwards, “Wicca Casts Spell on Teenage Girls,” Insight Magazine, October 25, 1999. 
10. Starhawk, The Spiral Dance, p. 27. ,

Parenting Generation Screen

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We all know children require regular and adequate sleep for healthy growth and development. But did you know babies up to one-year-old do best when getting 12 to 15 hours of sleep in a 24-hour cycle? Anything less than these recommendations results in compromised immune systems, lessened ability to learn, and emotional outbursts. Sound familiar?

How To Dress Baby For Sleep

For warmth while sleeping, dress the baby in one more layer of clothing than you are wearing, or place baby in a wearable blanket, often called a sleep sack. Flushed cheeks, sweating, or a hot chest indicate the baby is overheated.

When Can Babies Sleep With A Blanket?

Use a sleep surface that is firm and does not indent under the baby’s weight. Check the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) to be certain the bassinet, crib, portable crib, or play yard meet safety standards.

Once a baby is comfortable rolling from back to tummy and from tummy to back, put your baby to bed on their back, but don’t worry about returning a baby to their back if she rolls to her stomach.

At a year old, your baby can transition into a bed with blankets.

How To Get Baby To Sleep In A Bassinet

While the American Association of Pediatrics advises against sharing your bed with your baby, they do recommend sharing your room for the first six months. Keeping the baby nearby in a safe sleep area such as a bassinet or crib is convenient to comfort, feed, hear, and check on your baby.  

According to studies, room sharing can decrease the risk of SIDs by up to 50 percent. Ideally, keep the room where the baby sleeps between 68 and 72 degrees.

Initially, infants fall asleep while being held and fed. Place the infant who has fallen asleep on their back in the bassinet. Prior to sleep, lay the drowsy infant in the bassinet. When helpful, add a pacifier, a music box nearby, and perhaps a gentle pat. When the baby is calm, step away and give the young one the opportunity to self-soothe.

How To Sleep Train A Baby

Family counselor, June Hunt, in her book Bonding With Your Child Through Boundaries, says avoiding bedtime battles and assuring your child sleeps soundly begins with the Three R’s of bedtime: routine, routine, and routine.

Find a schedule that works for your family and stick with it.

Newborns sleep for short periods throughout the day and night. Babies at this age have one to two hours of wakefulness followed by 30 minutes to four hours of sleep. Waking in the night to be fed is normal and becomes less frequent as the baby gets older.

While some newborns fall asleep easily on their own, others prefer to be held or rocked. Occasionally, put your drowsy newborn into his bed to practice falling asleep on his own.

Bedtime Routines

When your child has nights and days confused, sleeping longer during the day and frequently awake at night, gradually wake the baby earlier each morning and after a couple hours of naptime during the day. In a short time, your daytime and nighttime clocks will be on similar schedules.

By three months old, a baby is ready for a 20 to 30 minute bedtime routine. Be sure your baby has a full tummy. Perhaps include a bath, bedtime story, song, and prayer. Give a pacifier if the baby uses one, lay the baby on her back in her bed, and step away.

When your baby cries, assure her she is okay and you are near. You can step away again. Add a minute each time before talking calmly to the baby, perhaps massaging a foot, and stepping away.

Helping your child learn to go to sleep without an adult in the room leads to the child being a better sleeper over all, often able to put themselves back to sleep when they wake in the night.

Should You Remove A Pacifier When A Baby Is Sleeping?

Pacifiers serve as soothers. Those with stronger sucking reflexes may take to a pacifier quickly while others are slower to accept, and some don’t like them at all.

After a baby has a full tummy from breastfeeding or bottle, you can introduce a pacifier if you prefer. These come in smaller sizes for newborns and different shapes to fit a child’s preferences. As a soother, a pacifier can satisfy the sucking reflex and ease the falling asleep process.

If the pacifier falls out of the baby’s mouth while sleeping, there is no need to put it back. Be careful not to attach the pacifier to clothing while the baby is sleeping as this can result is injury.

During waking hours, there is no need to offer the pacifier aunless the child is particularly fussy and is soothed with the pacifier.

Why Do Babies Fight Sleep?

Some babies wake in the night and put themselves back to sleep. Others cry because they need your help to go back to sleep.

Babies who wake in the night may be hungry. With a fully belly and dry diaper, your baby can settle back into a restful slumber.

When baby is awake, include 15 minutes of supervised tummy time, increasing to 30 minutes by two months of age. This activity increases development and motor skills. Children who are stretching their abilities tend to sleep easier.

For children with Migraine, bedtime routines may have been a struggle since infancy. The American Migraine Foundation reports that infant colic may be a precursor to childhood Migraine. Parents of colicky children are all too familiar with the struggle to get an uncomfortable child to sleep. If parents experience Migraine, this can be something to watch in an overly fussy baby.

For a baby who frequently fights going to sleep, it okay to feed until satiated, you can also gently rub her back to release trapped air bubbles in the form of burbs. Assure the baby is clean, warm, and in well-fitting clothing. When your baby does not feel well, extra time being rocked can be a comfort.

How To Calm A Fussy Baby

For parents who can’t find ways to soothe babies who seem to cry non-stop, Dr. Robert Hamilton has had years of success calming little ones with a position termed the Hamilton Hold.

Dr. Hamilton instructs parents to pick up the crying baby, and with one hand fold and support the child’s arms in front of their chest. This hand will simultaneously support the baby’s head near the chin. The parent’s other hand is used to cradle the baby’s bottom. Tip the baby at a 45-degree angle with the baby facing out from the parent. Gently rock the baby up and down, side to side, and in gentle circles.

The Hamilton Hold provides nearly instantaneous results. The arms at their chest and the easy movement is reminiscent of being in the womb. Facing out, the baby has a fresh and interesting view of her surroundings. The combination of familiar and new typically transforms a crying baby into a quiet and curious one.  

Do Babies Sleep More When Teething?

While some babies pop in four teeth at a time seemingly without effort, the same child may exhibit plenty of discomfort during another teething session. Medically, a baby’s temperature can rise while teething. Other symptoms include drool, fussiness, and tender gums.

The discomfort of teething can interrupt a baby’s usual sleep routines, causing shorter naps and the need for increased nighttime parenting. Simultaneously, there are babies who sleep more while bringing in new teeth. The physical changes can require additional energy leading to longer naps.

The first teeth can appear anywhere from three months of age through a year old. The two center teeth on the bottom gum are the first to make their entrance. Chewing on cool teething toys or wet washcloths that have been frozen can ease teething discomfort. If something more is needed to allow the baby to get adequate sleep, talk to your pediatrician about when and how much infant Tylenol or Ibuprofen is safe.

When Do Babies Sleep Between 7:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m.

Babies become more active around six months of age, exploring their surroundings, moving toward crawling, and pulling themselves up on furniture. Around this time, a baby may wake from sleep and pull himself up to stand in the crib. Be certain nothing is within reach that could be harmful.

Aim for a regular bedtime of 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. With additional physical activity, babies can sleep longer at night, often for ten to twelve hours, and take one to two naps during the day.

Sleep Secrets

Every generation wants to make sure their little ones get the best start in that crucial first year. And who better to turn to for advice than grandparents? They’ve been through it all raising you! It’s also a good idea to have a trusted pediatrician or family doctor for those regular check-ups and any health worries. If your little bundle of joy is still having trouble sleeping, don’t hesitate to have a chat with your pediatrician.

The post How To Get Your Baby To Sleep Well appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Impact on Grown Children

“Why would you want to adopt when you finally have margin in life for yourself? You could travel and do many things, but being tied down with adopted children doesn’t make sense,” Eric, 33, questioned his father. In their late 50s, his parents had just adopted a sibling group of three, whom they had had as foster children for two years. Specifically, the oldest is 11.

The response from grown children whose parents decide to foster and adopt is as varied as every family. Subsequently, some jump on board and help. Likewise, others are somewhat supportive. However, many question the decision and a portion want little to no involvement. Shortly, I will share specific strategies to involve biological children. In any event, I will share four concerns that, if unaddressed, could cause family disharmony.

Focus on the Family’s Wait No More program prepares hearts and homes for children in foster care. Everyone who feels called to foster, adopt or support a foster/adoptive family can be involved through our nationwide events and resources. Each day, we help advocate for kids in foster care to experience the love of family, no matter how long they’ve waited.

Learn More

Balancing Time between Foster Children and Bio-Grandchildren

Generally, David and his wife, Michelle, grandparents of five, found balancing their time with the needs of their foster child and the activities with their biological grandchildren as their biggest challenge. “I am a very active grandfather,” commented David. “The kids’ games are important to me. However, since becoming a foster parent, my time has been focused on our foster son’s appointments and meetings. I knew that would happen; I didn’t know how that would make me feel. It is so hard for me to call our oldest grandson to tell him I will miss another game,” David said. “We have talked about it, of course, and he understands. But I know he misses me when I am not there.” Therfore, it is important to take take outside of the game to be with each other.

Strategy to Manage Balancing Time

• Get those essential grandchildren’s activities on the calendar. Be intentional.
• Work with caseworkers and other professionals around schedules. There can be flexibility in most cases, including birth family visitation.

Strategy to Manage Safety Concerns

• Keep your adult children informed about the safety measures you are taking if needed.
• Encourage your adult children to take foster care pre-service classes to learn more about foster care. 

Strategy to Manage Becoming Family

• Keep expectations for your adult children in perspective. The foster care/adoption dream was yours, not theirs.
• Address any feelings they have about the newest child and what hesitancy they feel might be blocking their acceptance of that child as a family member.

• As a foster family moves toward adoption, involve all the family members in the planning.
• Have that difficult conversation regarding the need to step in should something happen to the adoptive parents.
• Make sure those plans are spelled out in any necessary legal documents.

The post From Empty Nesters To Foster Parents appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Sasha sat around the high school lunch table with her teenage friends, listening as they chattered about last Saturday’s homecoming dance. Sasha pulled her sweater sleeves down, even though it was eighty degrees out, hoping she could hide the bruises. She’d bet a plate of nacho fries that no one else at the table had experienced teen dating violence on Saturday night.

“What happened to your face?” Brittney asked her. 

“Oh, nothing,” Sasha lied, touching the bruise on her cheek. “I was walking the dog, and it decided to chase a rabbit. He dragged me right into a fence.” The lie seemed accepted, and the group moved on to the next subject. 

After lunch, when Sasha and her best friend Amber were in the bathroom reapplying their makeup before chemistry, Amber asked, “Okay, what really happened to your face?”

Sasha glanced around at the empty stalls. “Brandon slapped me because I danced with Joey.”

“Are you serious? Joey has been your best friend since you were, like, five.”

“I know. Brandon said I embarrassed him and that if I ever danced with anyone else ever again, or talked to any of the guys at all, he’d do worse next time.” Sasha rolled her sleeves up to wash her hands, and Amber gasped at the bruises on her friend’s arms. 

“You’ve got to leave that jerk. He doesn’t get to control you or who you hang out with.” 

“But he loves me and is so good to me. Besides, he brought me roses yesterday to apologize for overreacting. He’s a really good guy, he just gets jealous sometimes.”

Amber gave her the side eye. “If he ever touches you again, you need to tell someone, like your parents or the school counselor. They can help.”

“No, I can’t tell them. No one can know! I’d be so embarrassed and Brandon would really act out then. And what would my parents think of me? They’d be so disappointed.” 

What is Teen Dating Violence?

When our teenagers start dating, it is the beginning of a new and often confusing time in their lives. It can be challenging for parents to know how to relate to their teens and guide them through the new landscape of relationships. However, one area that is often overlooked during this stage is teen dating violence.

Teen and young adult relationships are often complex. However, it is critical to point out that there is a major difference between teenagers who don’t get along and abuse. Abuse is the intentional harm to another person. Dating violence can involve stalking or any physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse that happens within a teenager’s dating relationships.

Dating violence can happen to anyone regardless of their grades, what extracurricular activities they’re involved in, or social status among peers. Even if your teenager seems happy in their relationship, that doesn’t mean they are safe. Teens in abusive dating relationships may not understand what’s happening or know what to do about it, so taking an active role in your teenager’s relationships is critical for their safety. It is important for us as parents to begin a dialogue with our kids when they are still at home, because when they leave home after high school and are living independently, their risk for dating violence increases. 

Surprising Statistics About Teen Dating Violence

If you’re one of the 81% of parents who are not familiar with teen dating violence or don’t think that it’s an issue, think again. Some surprising statistics show how prevalent it is in our teenagers’ relationships.

• 1 in 3 teenagers (approximately 1.5 million) admits to being in an unhealthy relationship.
• 1 in 5 high schoolers admits to being intentionally hit or physically harmed in the last year by a romantic partner.
• 26% of women say they experienced intimate partner violence before the age of 18.
• 1 in 3 teenagers in unhealthy relationships confide in someone. 86% of those teenagers are more likely to tell a friend than an adult.
• 51% of females and 43% of males reported being victims of at least one type of dating violence.

Warning Signs of Teen Dating Violence

Now that you know how common teen dating violence is among teenagers, you may be wondering if your teenager is in a relationship where abuse is occurring. If it is happening, you will want to help your teenager find a safe way to exit the relationship. 

Dating violence can impact a person for their entire life and be harmful to them both physically and emotionally. Teen dating violence can cause your teenager to become withdrawn, exhibit signs of depression and anxiety, and begin experimenting with drugs and alcohol. The relationships that your teenager has now can set the stage for their future relationships. 

Brian Pinero, the Vice President of Victim Services at RAINN, says, “Dating Violence doesn’t have an age restriction. It isn’t defined by gender identity. And it doesn’t look the same for every relationship. To answer the question, ‘What does dating violence look like?’ isn’t so straightforward—and that’s what makes it difficult to spot.”

Warning Signs in Our Teenagers

If your teen is experiencing teen dating violence, they will often exhibit warning signs. Some of these may be subtle but can point to a larger relationship problem. Some of these signs include: 

• Isolation from family and friends
• Loss of enjoyment in activities they used to like.
• Changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
• Unexplained bruises, scratches, or other injuries.
• Changes in mood, unusual moodiness, outbursts of anger, or signs of depression or anxiety.
• The relationship becomes serious very quickly. For instance, your teenager may say “I love you” within the first few days or weeks of a relationship. 
• Changes in the clothes and accessories that they are wearing.
• Increased insecurity.
• New drug or alcohol use.  
• Making excuses for their dating partner’s behavior.
• Changes in their friendships and peer groups.
• A drop in grades or decreased performance during extracurricular activities and sports.
• A sudden change in church or youth group attendance or their spiritual beliefs. 

Talk to a Counselor

If you need further guidance and encouragement, we have a staff of licensed, professional counselors who offer a one-time complimentary consultation from a Christian perspective. They can also refer you to counselors in your area for ongoing assistance.
Reach a counselor toll-free at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

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Discussion Questions for Parents and Their Teens

As our teenagers are out of the house more often, spending time at school, extracurricular activities, and engaging with friends and dating partners, it can be challenging for parents to know what is happening in their lives. It is critical that we create safe spaces for conversations with our teenagers and connect with them. Here are some discussion questions that you can ask of your teenager’s dating relationship.

Signs of Teen Dating Violence

Emotional and Psychological Abuse:

• Do you ever fear that your partner might hurt you in any way?
• Does your boyfriend/girlfriend pressure you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with? Do they pressure you to have sexual contact?
• Is your partner controlling? Does it seem like they have all the power and control in the relationship? Does your relationship feel unbalanced?
• Is your boyfriend/girlfriend extremely moody or have an explosive temper? Do you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them?

Control and Isolation

• Does your partner determine who you can be friends with? Can you go out or talk with other people? Do you feel isolated from your friends and family?
• Do they ever cross the line and invade your privacy or show up when you’re not expecting them?
• Does your boyfriend/girlfriend check in on you constantly, wanting to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with? Are they overly jealous and possessive? Do they act insecure about your relationship?
• Does your partner damage or ruin your belongings?

Damage to Personal Property and Reputation:

• Has your boyfriend/girlfriend ever tracked or stalked you using GPS or other technology? Do they constantly monitor where you are, what you’re doing, and what you post on social media? Have they ever shared with others in person or on social media, information that you consider to be private between the two of you (including pictures or sexually explicit information)?
• Does your partner falsely accuse you of things or say that you didn’t do something when you did? (Or vice versa). Do they blame you for problems in the relationship?
• Do they bully, intimidate, humiliate, insult, or call you names? Does your partner insult you or criticize you in front of other people?
• Do they threaten or cause physical violence (such as hitting or grabbing you, hitting walls, slamming doors, blocking your movements, and physical altercations outside of the relationship)?
• Is your partner constantly communicating with you via text, phone, or social media?
• Does your boyfriend/girlfriend mock you for your relationship with Jesus? Do they insist you give up church or youth group, or change your beliefs?

Effects of Teen Dating Violence

• Harmful and abusive behaviors usually increase over time.
• As an abusive relationship progresses, the likelihood of your teenager being injured or harmed will also increase.

How Parents Can Help

• If your teenager has told you that they are in an abusive dating relationship, or you suspect that they are experiencing teen dating violence, there are several ways that you can help.
• If you see warning signs in their relationship, tell your teenager what you see and why you think there may be a problem.
• Talk openly and honestly with your teenager about what a healthy relationship does and doesn’t look like. Discuss the warning signs of different types of abuse, and let them know that abuse and violence have no place in a relationship.
• Make conversations about relationships and sex normal, open, honest, and nonjudgmental.
• Discuss God’s heart for a relationship, how He created man and woman to interact, and how He despises abuse and violence. Look up Bible verses, such as Galatians 5:19-21 and Psalm 11:5, that describe God’s stance on violence and abuse.
• Encourage your teenager to reach out to a trusted friend, teacher, counselor, parent, or mentor if they are in an unhealthy dating relationship or are experiencing teen dating violence. Let them know that if, for any reason, they do not want to talk to you, they should talk to someone they trust to provide wise counsel.
• Seek the guidance of a licensed counselor or therapist.
• Remind your teenager that they are a precious child of God and that they are worthy of a relationship that is loving and free of violence. Let them know that abuse is never acceptable in a relationship and is not their fault.
• Decide on an action plan together, and create a safety plan so that they can leave the relationship.
• Whether they want to discuss their relationship with you or not, give them resources on teen dating violence that they can look at on their own.

Teen Dating Violence Resources

Here are some helpful resources for you and your teenager if they are experiencing teen dating violence.  

• Call Focus on the Family at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
• Find a counselor through the Christian Counselors Network.
• Learn more about healthy relationships and how to get help at Love Is Respect.
• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

Know that if your teenager is experiencing teen dating violence, you are not alone. Many other parents are in your shoes. Be encouraged that there are resources out there to help you help your teenager. You have the beautiful opportunity to teach them what a healthy relationship looks like and to help them learn how to navigate the landscape of relationships. The support you give and the discussions you have now can have a lasting impact on them for years to come. 

The post Dating Violence: Know the Signs appeared first on Focus on the Family.

Across town, James watched his grandkids chase each other around the yard as he trimmed the trees. He could see his son, Elliott, drinking coffee in the kitchen while reading a New Age book. His heart broke knowing that Elliott had given his heart to Christ as a child but had walked away from the faith as an adult. Elliott’s choice to deconstruct and walk away from his faith had ramifications for his two kids. They weren’t learning about Jesus at home, and James worried they would grow up without knowing the Lord.

Both of these families have adult children who are deconstructing their faith. Whether our children doubt God’s existence and truth or have walked away from Him, watching our adult children turn their back on a relationship with Christ can be heartbreaking. It can be difficult to know how we can best parent our adult children in this situation.

What is the Deconstruction of Faith?

Faith

Faith is defined in Hebrews 11:1 as “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” C.S. Lewis describes faith as “the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.” 

Faith is one of the foundations of a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. However, our world places great importance on tangible things we can experience with our senses. If we can’t see, smell, hear, taste, or touch it, it must not be real. In tandem with other cultural beliefs, doubt can arise, which causes people to deconstruct their faith and sometimes turn away from God.

God created us to be curious and gave us minds and hearts hungry for truth. It is natural for a person to question what they believe and why they believe it. When we enter into a relationship with Jesus, the empty place in our hearts and minds that seeks the truth is filled in a way that nothing and no one else can. However, influences in our world can create confusion and doubt during this process and cause a person to deconstruct their faith.

Deconstruction of Faith

Deconstruction of Faith is the process of pulling apart and examining a person’s beliefs to discover what is real or true. Brian Zahnd, in his book When Everything’s On Fire, describes faith deconstruction as “a crisis of Christian faith that leads to either a reevaluation of Christianity or sometimes a total abandonment of Christianity.”

Sometimes, people deconstruct their faith and re-discover God in new and powerful ways. Perhaps you have even done this in your own relationship with Him. However, all too often, when a person begins to question God, their doubts and cultural influences cause them to pull away from a relationship with Him. Sometimes they choose to reject their faith entirely.

Have Hope

If your adult child deconstructs their faith and turns away from God, does that mean all hope is lost? Sometimes it might feel that way. But know that God knew your child before they were born. He says in Jeremiah 1:5, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I anointed you a prophet to the nations.” David writes in Psalm 139 about how God’s knowledge of each of us is intimate and complete and that nothing comes as a surprise to Him.

The fact that your son or daughter is deconstructing their faith right now does not surprise God. He knew they would have these doubts and question their relationship with Him before they were born. Take comfort in knowing that He is still faithful and will continue to pursue their hearts with His great love.

As C.S. Lewis once said, “The great thing to remember is that though our feelings come and go, God’s great love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.”

Learn How to Restore Your Relationship With Your Estranged Adult Child

If you’re anxious to make things right between you and your grown child but nothing seems to be working, here’s a free seven-part video series called “Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships” that will give you new hope for your situation. It features expert guidance from psychologist and counselor Dr. John Townsend that can help you start mending your relationship. Get the videos today!

Begin the Restoration Today

10 Things to Do When Your Adult Child is Deconstructing Their Faith

As a parent, you might be restless, wondering what you can do right now to help your adult child return to their faith. Here are ten things you can do as a parent to encourage your adult child to return to a relationship with Jesus Christ when they are deconstructing their faith.

1. Recognize God is Sovereign

First and foremost, it’s critical to remember that God is sovereign in this and every situation. He cares for your child and loves them so much that He sent Jesus to die on the cross. God will pursue their heart with all of His. In the end, He will be the one who can move and inspire their heart to turn to Him. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to help. In fact, God invites you to do so.

2. Don’t Panic

What was your first instinct when your child told you they were deconstructing their faith or that they don’t believe in God? Was it panic? Fear? While this may be a natural reaction to hearing this news, it’s important to remember that God is in control. There is no need to panic with God in the driver’s seat. Take a moment and breathe. Remember that it’s normal for a person to wrestle with their faith. If you’ve been there, you know how God can restore anyone to a relationship with Him, and He is willing to do the same for your child.

3. Remind Them They Are Loved

Take the time to remind your child that they are loved unconditionally by both you and God. They need to know that no matter their doubts or choices, they are loved and accepted.

4. Pray

Praying for your child can be one of the most powerful ways to impact their minds and hearts. Know that God hears your prayers and will work in your son or daughter’s heart. Remember that God may not work in the way we expect, and things may take time. If you’re unsure where to start, there is a prayer you can say for your adult child below.

5. Be a Safe Place

Be a safe place for your son or daughter to share their doubts, thoughts, and feelings. Even if your adult children don’t share your values, you can have respectful conversations and find common ground. Remember that arguing and fighting with your adult child will only alienate them and may push them further from both you and a relationship with God.

6. Be a Good Listener

Practice being a good listener when conversing with your adult child who is deconstructing their faith. Try to see their point of view and understand where they are coming from. Having a good understanding of their thought process can help you respond and will facilitate deep conversations between you. Listening to your adult child will encourage them to listen to your insights and allow you to be open about your faith.

7. Ask Questions

When you have conversations with your adult child over their faith, be sure to ask open-ended questions that allow them to share the details of their beliefs and thoughts. Encourage your child to ask questions too.

8. Offer To Learn Alongside Them

Take the time to educate yourself in the areas where your child is deconstructing your faith and learn about apologetics. Remember that you may not have all of the answers to your adult child’s questions, and offer to learn the answer to those questions alongside your son or daughter.

9. Ask Forgiveness

If there is something for which you need to ask forgiveness in your relationship with your son or daughter, be sure to do so. Asking for grace and forgiveness will help heal your relationship and demonstrate to them your willingness to have a good relationship. It will also gain trust and help them open up to you. Demonstrating repentance and forgiveness is a great way to model your faith to your adult child.

10. Live Your Faith

Every day, be sure to live out your faith. Even if your children have moved out of the house, remember they are still watching and listening to everything you do and say. Be open about your relationship with Jesus. They will notice the difference between you and others who don’t walk with Christ. Your example will often be more powerful than any words you can say.

A Prayer For Your Children

If your adult child is going through a season of deconstructing their faith, one of the most powerful things you can do is to pray for them. If you aren’t sure where to start or what to pray, this guided prayer for your child will help to get you started.

Heavenly Father, I come to You in the name of Jesus, and I thank You for __(Child’s Name)__. I thank You for bringing them into my life and allowing me to be their parent. Thank you that You know my child better than they know themselves. You have created them in Your image and love them beyond measure.

Father, I thank You that You have a purpose for my child’s life and desire, above all else, to be a part of it. You long for a relationship with them and have done everything — including sending your Son to die and rise again — to show them Your love.

Thank You for knowing their heart, thoughts, beliefs, and influences better than anyone. I pray that your Holy Spirit would speak truth to my child and move in them. The Bible says if we ask for wisdom and knowledge, You will give it in abundance. As they seek truth in this life, I ask that You show it to them in abundance. Show them You are the way, the truth, and the life.

In Jesus Precious Name

Help my child to see your handiwork in all of creation. Let them discover Your providence and see how You are active and involved in every moment of their life. Make it clear that You are all You claim to be.

I pray the blood of Jesus over my child and know we have victory in You. Bind the hands of the enemy and put a stop to their tactics to create confusion. Silence their lies.

Bring people into my son/daughter’s life who will speak life into them and demonstrate what it is to walk with You. Help me as a parent to love and guide my child and to be a witness to Your greatness. Give me understanding and peace as I seek to honor You and share Your love with my child.

Amen.

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