Ah, how long in life I have spent looking for validation outside of me. Perhaps not in an obvious way to those around me. And yet, nonetheless, I peered over the horizon of my soul in hopes another would reflect back how worthy and worthwhile I am.
I have doubted and therefore discounted my worth and contribution in many areas. The top three being body, career and romantic relationships/intimacy. Energetically, they are all the same. But for the sake of my letter today, let’s focus on romance and intimacy, for it does tend to be quite a popular area for women to “cheapen” ourselves.
Today, I have the love of my life beside me, my husband, Jose. We have a beautiful four-year-old boy named Aiden, and I am blessed in this regard. And yet, I met Jose at 35 years old and had Aiden when I was 40. Therefore, there were many years spent discovering and establishing my value in romantic relationships. In truth, it is a constant evolution, because when do we ever really stop developing?
While I did have some early, healthy relationships in life, my twenties and very early thirties were spent questioning if I was really the “catch” my friends and family insisted I was. I found myself surrounded by men who could not commit, lacked reliability and integrity. I was chosen by men I wasn’t attracted to and not chosen by the men I thought would elevate me to the status I secretly desired. You see, I wanted to feel valuable and taken care of. I wanted to feel successful and abundant and free to do as I liked when I liked. I believed the “right” partner would give this to me. I saw him as confident, clear, a leader, financially abundant and respected. I did not, however, see myself this way. If you had asked me at the time, I would have certainly declared my self-confidence, sense of worthiness and personal value. I may have thought I saw myself that way and yet, I did not treat myself as if I was valuable and of worth.
I did not date the kind of men I just described, and that’s because I was not being the person/man I just described to you. It dawned on me that I actually wanted to be the man I sought to date. I wanted to feel confident, clear, worthy, valuable, respected, a leader and abundant. And this was not possible unless I learned how to feel and treat myself as worthy of what I wanted. That couldn’t happen unless I learned to feel of worth. And learning to feel of worth is not so much a learning as it is a connecting to a knowing. It is a remembrance more than anything, and yet, it does take practice. Believing in, feeling and consistently tapping into one’s state of worthiness is a practice.
The creation of one’s dreams and desires require us to be self-honoring and self-regarding, first. For if we perpetually prioritize the happiness of another or overlook the “work” of self-understanding and respect, our heart’s delights sit unfortunately sidetracked. Why is this? Because The Law of Attraction very clearly states that like attracts like. And how could we possibility attract the partner of our dreams when we’re not already being that person in relationship to ourselves? We cannot. For you see, The Universe does not respond to our words or to how we’re pretending to feel, but rather to how we really feel! Therefore, try as one might to “put on a happy face,” The Universe cannot be outsmarted and will send us the people who are our energetic “match,” at least at that point in time.
TREAT YOURSELF AS IF YOU ARE A 10 CARAT DIAMOND RING!
Ah, yes, the practice of being self honoring and respecting is a deep one that calls for patience and time, and yet, I do think this analogy will make the point well! Imagine you have come into the possession of a 10 carat diamond ring! Oh, how the heart skips a beat! Beams of brilliant light sparkle about as the sun playfully catches the different facets in the ring. The beauty of it on your finger, the precision of the cut and the craftsmanship speaks for itself! Now, would you let this ring sit haphazardly about? Would you let all your friends borrow it and your three-year-old play with it during bathtime? No! You would not, because you recognize the value and worth of this piece of jewelry. Most likely it would have a specially assigned jewelry box and no one would be borrowing it, let alone a child. In this and many cases, we treat the diamond ring with more regard and respect than we treat ourselves!
You and your dreams, talents and desires are the 10 carat diamond ring! And yet, how often we treat ourselves as the toss-away, twenty-five cent ring from the bubble gum machine! Say it with me: “I am the 10 carat diamond ring, and I will treat myself and my desires with the same, if not more, regard and honor as an object I admire.”
Once you think of yourself/your time/your person/your love/your talents/your abilities/your everything as a COMMODITY, it does then immediately become of worth. It is not about self-love. We love ourselves already, or we wouldn’t be doing what we are doing in terms of bettering ourselves. The constant repetition to women, in particular, to “love yourself first and all will come to you” is inaccurate.
There is nothing to do but be and know that in the being you are whole and that you have much to give yourself and others, and already have. It is the “learning” to settle into your whole self, and honoring that, which takes nothing more than enjoying who you are and what are doing. This is where laughter comes in, and allowing and accepting and faith and the flow of well-being exists. If the diamond ring analogy doesn’t speak to you, please do think of one that does and have fun expanding your sense of value and worth.
Did you know that connecting with your innate worth and worthiness can be FUN? Isn’t it a relief to know it has nothing to do with self-love and everything to do with remembering and practicing your already present value? Personal growth, happiness, the romance and relationships of your dreams do not need to be hard work. In fact, the more one can laugh, have fun and enjoy the journey to themselves, the more quickly the heart’s desires will appear. As if rubbing a beloved Genie bottle, Universe is more than happy to respond to our joy with even more to feel joyful about. For there is nothing more important in the game of manifestation than feeling good. Feeling good attracts more to feel good about. Feeling good is your natural state of being, and it is also a skill that I proudly teach in my upcoming group coaching course, HELLO, JOY!
Xx,
Imagine harvesting and mastering this ever-so-reliable skill set to create the life of your wildest dreams! How exhilarating to feel and know that you possess the knowledge and magic to create the yellow brick road of childhood fantasies!
Feel the jumping-for-joy thrill of easily and steadily acquiring:
:: The home of your dreams
:: A peaceful and tranquil existence
:: Plenty of money to do as you choose when you choose
:: Clients and career opportunities galore beating down your proverbial door
:: A connection with who you are, have been and who you shall be
:: Free time to enjoy yourself, friends and family
:: The unconditional, lasting love of the right partner who will support and believe in you
2021 is a year of remarkable possibility for you and humanity alike. Let us shed the so-called problems of the past, release scarcity mindedness and small feeling and therefore small living.
HELLO, JOY! is a special opportunity to receive high level, strategic and spiritual mentorship. This will be a sacred space to receive and create based on energetic, spiritual and feminine principles. Create the best possible outcomes in every area of your life as you enjoy unprecedented digital access to me and my rich toolbox of psychological coaching and energetic tools and techniques. A new, abundant age has begun. Let us prioritize feeling good above anyone and anything else. Set course for a joyful future with intention to do so as your own captain and relax into the connected, grounded and prosperous state of being that is our natural habitat.
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Dr. Dowling has spent years helping people live richer, more joyful lives. She has seen firsthand the magical pairing of psychology and life coaching, which allows people to access their happiest selves.
View Dr. Dowling's articles on Mindbodygreen
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